I recently wanted to download an app to my phone and up popped a message telling me that I needed to upgrade my operating system in order to do this. I have very little idea what this meant, so I clicked ok. Oh dear. Up popped innumerable new apps which I had not asked for. It’s ok, I thought, I can delete these (this is a relatively newly acquired skill since the children downloaded every free lego game known to man to my phone and tablet). But no, these apps are not deletable … Very clever ruse there to tempt simpletons to use them and therefore buy into the corporate guff which goes with them. But not me, oh no I cannot be bought by the corporate machine. I who have not been to McDonalds for 18 years… Well actually, what does this one do? Oh it’s called Health … seems worth exploring as I am becoming a bit of a fatty. Too much cake, not enough stress (I know, I shouldn’t really complain) and quite a lot of nice beer.
So I began to check with interest how many steps a day I was doing which it calculates in km for you. My average was about 11.35. This seemed pretty good. I thought… within weeks I will be a beanpole. No such luck. After a few weeks of this and gaining more weight, I decided drastic action was needed, so I got out my fitness DVD. The children watch me with interest when I lump around the living room, breathing heavily as I attempt to copy a thin toned celebrity and her sidekicks perform a number of exercises ‘guaranteed’ to get me fit. The oldest one shouts out words of encouragement: you can do it Mum, get those knees up… While the little one makes comments like: is your face supposed to be red Mum? Your tummy is hanging out, and best of all, you need to stop eating so much crap Mum, it makes you fat.
They were allowed by my husband to buy me a birthday present of their choosing so they bought me some lovely pink weights. I am told this is because that lady in the fitness DVD has some and you just use cans of beans. Ahh, what little darlings, how helpful.
I started running again. I like running, mainly because I am quite well practised at it. When you are always late, running is a necessity. The children are always pleasantly surprised when we don’t have to run for a bus or train. I noted on Facebook that my sister in law posts updated from something called runkeeper … First run 3.3km … 14 calories burned. I was indignant, I’m sure I have read somewhere that you burn more bloody calories than that doing the hoovering… My mind began to pickle itself with the thought that this might mean I need to start hoovering more regularly.
I have since noticed that lots of people use health apps, there’s fitbit (don’t ask me what this is), mapmyrun, wedMD (so you can look up your symptoms and diagnose yourself… scary…), my diet diary (no chance I’ll be using this one) and a variety of other calorie and movement counters to ensure you weigh all your food, check all the labels and never allow yourself to gorge on fish and chips, (much like my Dad, 73, who does not even know what an app is let alone use one, follows a diet from a Boxing magazine he has had since 1956, and has started going to the gym).
This weekend I am going to stay with a friend who thinks exercise is a rude word. I am hoping I will go home recovered from my temporary insanity and re-discover guilt free cake.